Justin Hyde

philosophical conundrum



I like evolution
from B-present/

it's
/A/
/where the fuck did it all come from/
that gives me trouble

assume big
bang:
/where the fuck did
big come from?/

organized religion is like
a bar night blowjob,
sucks you in
a rush of chemicals
leaving you flaccid,
running for
the door feeling slightly
dirty
I realized this
early on/
it was cemented
when the man
touched my sister/

it's never bothered
me before,
that I didn't know
"what the fuck
was up"

I ran rataplan
in some hedonistic
pancake dream/
chasing highs/
riding the low
out with a blanket
over the window/

but it's eating
at me now/

cunt ain't enough/
money don't do it/


I'm afraid that
i'll never know/

spend my life
farting on some
see saw -

- maybe this
maybe that -

it's not even
that i'll go to hell/
if that be,
that be/

it's just some
innate desire
to know
"what the
fuck is up"

because hey/
it ain't 50hour
mortgage
401k/
Toyota Camry
clusterfuck/

and it
ain't wife
2.4 kid
dog

don't take
no Kierkegaard
to know that ain't
it/


the unrest
is crawlin like
worms in my head/


and it ain't the
meth/

be honest
with me/

you smoke
your cig/
drink your coffee/
smoke your
weed/
milk your baby/
suck your man
off/
lick your woman's
clit at just the
right speed/
graduate your baby from college/
bury your father/
pull your mom off life support/

and

you know

it's not enough

but you turn your face
and keep on going
in that straight line/

well, I can't go
in that straight line
anymore/

so for now
i'll

shoot this shit
under my fingernails

hug the
bottle/

fiddle
with
the word





Dixie Hyde


set our clocks 12 minutes fast
because growing up in Blairstown, IA
grandma had a punctuality
problem

mom was
a thespian/she
was perpetually dropped
off late to practice/

her senior year/
late to the opening night of Grease/
12 min late/
she was the lead/
the understudy
sang/
mom watched

had such
a dreadful
fear
of being late/

what time
is it what
time is it?
she'd ask

had
terrible bleeding
ulcers over it

started fisting codeine
and Oxycontin/
for the anxiety


helping my aunt Holly baste
the Thanksgiving bird some prepubescent November long since past
, she
said to me "either you go on like your parents/ or you go in the opposite direction"

all those
two did/

sit around
blaming grandma
over their
shit fisted lives/

I blame
gravity/

and that Ford fucker who invented the assembly line/





I was Marlon Brando for a day


A racing friend
studied film at
the University of
Iowa

I was eating
an omelet in
the student union
when he asked

"you want to
act?,
I got something you
would be good for"

I thought about
it between chews,
I wasn't going to
class, I knew that
much, and I was getting
burnt out on 9
ball and Budweiser
at the Que bar/

"sure,
what is it"

streetcar
named
desire,


he gave me the
script/
"were just shooting
a couple of scenes"
he said

I rented the movie
that day/

some beast of
a man named
Stanley, completely
anathema to
myself

screaming/
beating women

I didn't know
if I could pull
it off/

on the day:

fisted a handful
of speed/
put on some tight
jeans and a tighter
white shirt/

scene:
was at a poker
table,

it went like this/
i get wild and the boys
have to hold me back

i'm to much for em/
i hit Stella/
she runs/

i start wailing out the window/
call her on the phone/

she comes back
i drop on my knees,

pick her up/
off to the bedroom/

that's all i remember.

i got into it
though/

the speed
and the thrill
of it

and roughed up
the boys to much/

the thin one
cried because
I scared him/

the camera people
and sound people
and director

looked at me in disbelief/
i was dripping sweat/
heart jumping
out of my chest

"what the fuck
do you want from
me"
I screamed/

my friend
kevin calmed
me/them

the scene where
I dropped to my knees
in front of Stella
was done on concrete

we took it 3 times/

I fucked up my
meniscus because
I wanted it right/

the thing creaks
now when I walk/

i've got a tape
of it/

and it all looks
pretty silly now/

but/

the little lolly pop
they got to play
Stella

she thought
i was something/

we got brained
on 1$ long islands
at the Field House

fucked liked
the dirty animals
we are/

she asked me
to choke her/

and I did/

i asked her
to slap me across
the face/

she did/

we quivered
in each others
arms

I started
sobbing

nothing has
been as
real
since





Justin Hyde: My name is Justin Hyde, I live in Des Moines, IA. I was diagnosed with cyclothymic disorder in 1998. I am skeptical of psychology/psychiatry. I have a BS in psychology.






Dave Ruslander Steve Dalachinsky Lawrence Upton JodiAnn Stevenson Christopher Barnes Justin Hyde Alex Nodopaka Robert McLean Review